


Dream a Little Dream of Me

by Laney1728



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Aliens, Angst, Demons, Drama, Dreams vs. Reality, Nightmares, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2020-06-28 11:33:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19811440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laney1728/pseuds/Laney1728
Summary: When Tom does something he shouldn't, the whole crew gets placed in danger. Will Chakotay be able to save the day?





	1. Do Not Open

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SarahWritesThings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahWritesThings/gifts).



> My second entry for the worth a grand fic fest! This is based on photo #6 of young Janeway. I didn't want to go the obvious route and write a story taking place in the past so I tried something different. Hope you enjoy!

“You weren’t kidding. This is spectacular Tom!” she said with wide eyes and a broad smile. 

“See? I told you you’d like it!” he replied with a grin.

“A movie. I’ve never seen anything quite like this! A giant lizard creature attacking the people of earth? Absolutely fascinating!” 

He chuckled and smoothly wrapped his arm around her body, drawing her closer. 

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” he said staring deep into her lavender eyes. 

“Oh yes… and I rather enjoy the company as well,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper as their lips grazed and a shiver ran down her back. 

He leaned forward and deepened the kiss, his hand tangling in her silver hair and brushing over her pinkish skin. He brushed his tongue over her lips, beckoning for her to allow him entrance, and she eagerly complied. His hand dared to drift down and gently caressed her left breast. 

She began to unbutton her blouse, but before she could get half-way down, the holodeck doors opened. A very unamused B’Elanna and Harry looked disapprovingly at the couple. 

Reya quickly stood and faced away from the three of them while she fixed her shirt and wiped away her smudged lipstick. 

“Tom! The captain’s been hailing you over twenty minutes. I apologize for interrupting, Princess Reya, but your father and his comrades are ready to go back to your ship. They’re all in Transporter Room One waiting for you,” Harry said, his tone shifting greatly when addressing the princess. 

“Of course. My apologies. Could we just have a moment to…say goodbye,”

“We’ll be out in the hall. Just come out whenever you’re ready,” B’Elanna said. 

She and Harry turned to walk out the door and she whispered, “told you we’d find them all over each other. I expect those replicator rations to be in my account tonight, I won fair and square.”

Harry simply rolled his eyes as they continued out the door.

Once Reya and Tom were alone she turned to him with a blush of embarrassment and a gentle smile. 

“Well, I suppose this is where we go our separate ways. Tom, I must tell you that this past week has been an absolute delight. Thank you for showing me such kindness, and movies,” she giggled. 

“But most importantly, for treating me like a woman and not like a title or a crown. I’ll always remember our time together fondly.”

Tom brushed his hand across her cheek and leaned in for a chaste kiss. 

“Goodbye Reya. Thank you for laughing at my jokes and…and for making me forget about everything for a while.”

“Before I leave, I’ve brought you something. A small gift.”

“Oh Reya you didn’t have to get me…” he looked down in confusion as she grabbed a metal box from her bag and handed it to him.

“It’s a prehenderat reve. I believe your species has a similar contraption called a dreamcatcher. Harry mentioned in passing that you were complaining of a lack of sleep; he said you mentioned nightmares. This box traps bad dreams and helps you sleep.”

“Do I open it?” he asked, inspecting the box. 

“No, you mustn’t open it!” she said seriously. 

He laughed. 

“Ok, ok won’t open it. Can you at least tell me why?”

“If you open the box, the demon escapes and you may not be able to get her back in!” she warned. 

“Alright, so I won’t open it,”

“Good. Now maybe you can dream of better things.”

“Oh, I have a few ideas,”

“You are bad, Mr. Paris,”

“Only for you, princess,”

“Somehow, I highly doubt that. I bet you get a new woman to fall for you every week and I don’t blame any of them.”

“Why princess, what are you accusing me of?” he asked, feigning a shocked expression. 

“Being terribly attractive and impossibly…” she stopped herself.

“Impossibly what?” he asked, amused. 

“Immature,” she said, shaking her head with a laugh.

“Princess…. I’m offended,” he said sarcastically.

“Oh please, even I can see that you’re simply afraid of commitment.”

“I have no problems committing,” he said. 

“So then I should go call my father? And tell him that I wish to stay upon Voyager and continue our relationship?” she asked with a smirk. 

“You…uhhh wait a second you’re setting me up to fail here.”

“Darling it’s fine. What we had these past few days was amazing and wonderful, but I have no intention of staying long enough for you to ruin it. Besides, I don’t get in the habit of dating men who are so obviously head over heels for someone else.” 

“I’m lost here,” he muttered. 

“Well, the two of you ought to get yourselves together.”

“The two of…what are you talking about?”

“The striking woman with the temper and the funny ridges. She has it bad for you Mister Paris. And if I’m not mistaken you return those feelings.”

“What, B’Elanna? No! Never!”

“Never say never, Tom! Stranger things have happened. And you better ask her out soon before you miss your chance.”

“Well the day I take B’Elanna Torres out on a date will be the day when pigs fly across Voyager’s viewports,” he said confidently, not hearing the door open once more. 

“What was that Paris? Something about flying pigs?” B’Elanna asked with a smirk on her face and her hands on her hips.

“Uhhh, no..n-nothing,” he stammered. 

She shook her head and looked right past him to Reya. 

“Come with me Princess, I’ll walk you to the transporter room.”

“Thank you….B’Elanna,” she said turning back to Tom with a sly wink. 

Tom stood in the middle of the holodeck completely frozen and speechless. 

Harry walked right up to him and patted him on the shoulder.

“Women,” Harry said, shaking his head. 

“You said it,” Tom replied. 

“What you got there?” he asked.

Tom looked down, remembering the dream catcher she gave him only moments before. 

“It’s a box, Harry,”

“Well yeah, but what’s inside?”

“A demon apparently,” he scoffed.

“You gonna open it?” Harry asked.

“Nope.”

“No really, what’s in there?”

“I don’t know Harry, but she told me not to open it,”

“Come on...aren’t you the least bit curious?”

“Harry, she explicitly told me not to open the box or else… bad things would happen.”

“You almost sound afraid, the great Tom Paris afraid of a little box, I don’t believe it!”

“Hey! Fine, you really want me to open the dumb box,” he hesitated for a moment before undid the latch and threw the lid back. 

A gust of wind blew back at them like a gentle breeze. Upon further inspection they realized that the only contents were: 

“Sand,” Tom said. 

“Wow, Tom...she really went all out on this gift. Tell me, did you get her a few pebbles in return, maybe a jar of dirt?” he joked.

“Shut up Harry,” 

He laughed and patted him on the back before making his way toward the exit. 

“I’ll see you later Tom. Enjoy the sand!”

* * *

“Well, I’d say trade negotiations were a success!” Chakotay said with a dimpled smile.

She raised her glass to his and lightly tapped it.

“To success!” she laughed. 

They both took a sip, and he grinned. He placed his glass of wine on the coffee table. 

“The Shaqrien are quite a unique species,” she said.

“That they are.”

“Their culture is quite romanticized. They view everything through rose-colored glasses.”

“Maybe our perception of the universe is just...pessimistic.”

“Or maybe they should open their eyes to reality,” she shot back with a smirk.

“Come on Kathryn, life isn’t all bad.”

“Stuck on a ship thousands of lightyears from home, facing unknown dangers day in and day out… that doesn't seem bad to you?”

“We have a great crew, a sturdy ship, and not to mention a wonderful captain.”

She shook her head. 

“One who is wise and confident...and unbelievably gorgeous under the light of these stars.”

She smiled and looked down to hide her blushing. 

“Well, a captain is nothing without her first officer....and a damn sexy one at that.”

He chuckled and leaned forward, slowly. He gave her ample time to pull back, to turn away, or tell him to stop, but she did nothing. She sat there wide-eyed and breathless, anticipating what was to come. 

The first brush of his lips against hers was gentle, but sent sparks flying. Within that second, she leaned in for a searing kiss. She tasted the wine on his lips. He leaned over her, carefully laying her down on the length of the couch as his hands felt her body under him. He started below her hips and slowly lifted her shirt out of her pants to gain access to her hot flesh. 

She moaned in delight at first contact. Her whole body became electrified as goosebumps formed on her stomach. She sucked in her stomach as his fingers danced lightly over the skin. 

“You’re ticklish,” he chuckled breathlessly. 

“Am not,” she said.

He tested her again, running his fingers over her stomach and watching her try to maintain her composure. Seconds later she gave in and laughed heartily. 

“Alright, so maybe I am,” she admitted. 

He kissed her again and pulled back when she muttered something. 

“What was that?” he asked.

“I said I think we should stop.”

“Oh,” he said, sitting up and scooting over to give her more room. 

She smiled warmly. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that...we agreed to take this slow and--”

“No, Kathryn it’s fine. I wasn’t trying to rush you. I’m willing to take this at any pace you’re comfortable with. So if we have to wait a bit for you to be ready, that’s fine by me. I’d much rather wait than have you do something you would regret later."

“I’d never regret taking that step with you. I’m just...It’s been a long time.”

“I know, and you don’t need to give reasons. You’ll be ready when you’re ready. And I’ll be waiting.As I told you on New Earth, I want to lessen your burdens. I never want to add to them,” he added.

“And you never do. Starting this relationship with you there was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made--”

He was staring at her. His eyes held nothing but love and warmth,. and at that moment all she wanted to do was say the words. Three simple words which she knew in her heart were true, but her stomach clenched and visions flashed through her mind of him injured, of him hurt; him dying. Suddenly, to share that part of herself was too much. To open herself up like that would make her vulnerable, so she opted for a lighthearted response instead. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” she asked. 

“Got lost seventy thousand lightyears from earth.”

She laughed and patted him on the chest before leaning in for a peck on the lips. 

“We should probably get to bed. We both have an early shift tomorrow,” she said.

“You’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight,” she said as he walked out the door. 

She shook her head and repeated the thought “What did I do to deserve him?”

And a little voice in her head replied...You don’t deserve him. 

She quickly got dressed in her night clothes and laid in her bed. Her last thoughts were of his smile as she drifted into a restful night's sleep. 

Meanwhile, at her door, sand particles drifted into her room. Slowly at first and then all at once they swirled and formed the shape of a person. This mound of sand began to take large steps towards Kathryn’s bedroom. With each step, the sand fell and faded away to reveal a haggard woman. Her skin was wrinkled and sagged, with a grotesque pale green color. She looked as if she were on the verge of death. Her hair was matted and thin, and her nails were long and sharp. She hobbled over to the bed and sat by the sleeping form. She brushed a piece of hair off Kathryn’s forehead and leaned in to kiss the spot. 

“Sweet dreams, dear Captain,” she said with a sickening grin. 

* * *

Chakotay got undressed but found that he wasn’t tired, in fact, quite the opposite. His mind was swirling with thoughts of the future. He sensed there was more to her trepidation tonight than she was letting on. He wasn’t going to push her and just as he told her, he was willing to wait a lifetime if it meant being with her. But that didn’t stop his mind from pondering the question: Why?

He decided he needed some guidance, so setting down his medicine bundle he recited the words of his ancestors and drifted away into another state of mind. 

Within a few minutes, sand began to filter through, from under his door. The revolting woman took her form once again, wandering over to Voyagers First Officer. 

She observed him sitting upright with his eyes closed and in a relaxed state. 

“Strange to sleep sitting up...no matter, as long as you’re sleeping you can dream.”

She ran her index finger across his forehead and snickered. 

“I wonder what you’ll dream of… such a pretty head with so many horrible thoughts and sad memories. So much to choose from!” she said with delight. 

Confident that her work there was done she left, onto her next victim of the night. 

* * *

“So you say that this woman...she is your true love?” Kolopack asked.

“Yes, there is no doubt in my mind that I’ll spend the rest of my life by her side.”

“Well, what is the problem, my son?” 

“I feel that she is afraid to fully open up to me. Every time we discuss our feelings she changes the subject, every time I get close to telling her that I love her, she backs away. I told her I’d be patient but it’s difficult to wait when I don’t fully understand her reasoning. If she would just talk to me honestly, I wouldn't find myself doubting our future.”

His father nodded and was about to reply when the ground beneath them began to shake. Boulders all around them came tumbling down. As he looked at his spirit guide he noticed her eyes go black and her sharp teeth bared in a growl.

“What’s happening?” Chakotay asked. 

“I’m not sure. I’ve never seen anything like this before! I suggest you get out of here before it gets worse.”

“I’m trying to wake up...but nothing’s happening,” he said, beginning to panic. 

“Then run! Take cover in the trees, I’ll distract the wolf,” his father spoke calmly approaching the rabid animal.

“Walk slowly and then when you’re out of her line of sight pick up the pace but don’t sprint, she’ll run after you if you do,”

Chakotay did as his father told and without turning back, he made it into the cover of the trees. He kept running, his heart pounding in his ears, and then without warning, he stopped abruptly. He stood face-to-face with a metal door, unattached to anything. It seemed to float in the air. 

As he heard the wolf approaching and his father call out a warning, he opened the door and walked through without a second thought. 

He was back on the ship, he realized, releasing a breath. Suddenly, someone passed by, giving him a curious look. It was then that he noticed that he was on a ship, but it was not Voyager. He then took note of the uniforms. Orange and white, they hadn't been used in starfleet for years. He stumbled about in confusion, making his way around the corridor when he saw her, dressed in the same uniform he had passed by. He thought for a moment that the orange color complimented her complexion, but not quite as much as command red. He shook the thought and made his way over to her, her back facing him.

“Kathryn!” he called out in relief.

As she turned around his heart dropped into his stomach. Her hair was longer, curlier, her alabaster skin dotted with a few more freckles, and there was a light around her eyes he hadn’t seen before. She looked free. She was beautiful. The only problem was that the Kathryn he was staring at now was at least twenty years younger than the one he said goodnight to only a short while ago, and she looked at him as if he were a three-headed Targ. 

“Yes? Do I know you?” she asked in confusion. 

It took all of his strength not to fall faint. “What in the hell is going on?” he thought to himself.

  
  



	2. Far Away, Long Ago

  
Before he could say anything, let alone process what was happening, he heard an unfamiliar voice call out.

“Kathryn, there you are I’ve been looking everywhere,” a young man said.

She smiled brightly and leaned in to kiss this mysterious man. Chakotay’s jaw clenched at the sight of someone else kissing the woman he loved, but this was obviously long ago and he knew there was no real reason for him to be jealous. His rationalization did nothing to rid him of his discomfort towards their display of affection.

“I’m sorry I was just finishing something,” Kathryn whispered.

“Well, we’d better get off this ship and meet up with your father before he writes us up for tardiness and inappropriate behavior.”

“What inappropriate behavior?” she asked with a raised brow and a slight smirk.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll think of something,” he chuckled.

Chakotay was silently taking in the scene between the young lovers. Was this some sort of temporal anomaly? That wouldn’t explain what happened in his vision quest. He realized he had still been staring awkwardly when his eyes caught the young man’s apprehensive glare.

“So, are you going to introduce me to your friend here?” he asked.

“Well, I was waiting for him to introduce himself. I’m afraid we’ve never met,” Kathyrn smiled.

Suddenly Chakotay realized they were talking to him.

“Oh, my apologies. My name is Commander Chakotay--”

“Commander? Of what ship?” the man asked.

He had spoken without thinking things through, now flustered and searching for an answer, he said the first thing he could come up with.

“Well, she isn’t quite ready for action just yet but the ships name is Voyager,”

“Never heard of it,” he said.

“It’s not really public knowledge, but I trust you two can keep a secret,” Chakotay replied.

“That we can,” Kathryn spoke while putting a hand on the man's chest, an obvious warning for him to back off of Chakotay and calm down.

“Are those the new uniforms?” she asked in confusion, her eyes looking him up and down quickly before returning to his eyes. He searched in the deep blue depths for some sense of recognition, but there was nothing there except curiosity and politeness. He gathered his thoughts and answered her question.

“Uhhhh..yes, yes I’m just trying them out,” he said nervously.

“Well they look to be an upgrade from these stuffy things,” she laughed and tugged at her collar.

“I’m sorry I haven’t introduced myself yet,” the young man spoke up.

He stepped forward to shake Chakotay’s hand.

“Justin Tighe.”

He stepped back and wrapped his arm around Kathryn’s waist.

“And this is my fiancee--” he paused and looked down at Kathryn with a soft smile.

“And soon to be the mother of my child, Kathryn Janeway.”

She gently elbowed him in the stomach but was concealing her obvious delight.

“Justin! I thought you said we’d wait to start telling people,” she whispered, but Chakotay could still hear.

Justin looked up at Chakotay with a smug grin and said, “Well he trusted us with his secret, I’m sure we can trust him with ours,”

She shook her head and then turned to face Chakotay who had turned pale as a sheet in a matter of seconds.

“I’m only ten weeks. We were supposed to wait until the thirteenth week to start telling everyone, but apparently, he’s a little impatient to spread the news.”

Chakotay’s head was spinning. Pregnant. But to his knowledge, she never had any children, at least none that she spoke of. He felt sick thinking that she may have kept something like this hidden from him.

“That..that’s wonderful, congratulations,” he said, stumbling a bit over his words.

“Thank you, we’re very excited,” Justin said proudly.

“Well, if you’d excuse us, we have somewhere to be,” Kathryn said.

“Of course! It was nice meeting you both,” Chakotay managed a polite smile and a nod.

They returned the gesture and walked away hand-in-hand. His heart and mind were racing. He didn’t have time to process what he had heard, he just needed to figure out what was going on and how to get out of there. He turned to walk down the next hall, but as he took each step, his surroundings began to dissipate. Like grains of sand blowing away in the wind, it all faded away until he was left in an empty void of darkness. He turned quickly, his breath catching in his throat. He managed to still see a light and chased after it.

When he reached it, he realized he was in a Starfleet office, and there were Kathryn and Justin with an older man he could only assume to be…

“Daddy, I told you it’s perfectly fine,” Kathryn said.

“Alright, you can come, but if I hear one word about this from your mother--”

“You won’t, you’ve said it yourself that the ship couldn’t be safer.”

He stood there in silence waiting to be noticed, when suddenly Kathryn looked right at him, still stoic and calm in her expression. He frantically began speaking, trying to come up with some excuse or apology for intruding, but she went along talking to Justin like he wasn't there.

“They can’t see you. Not right now at least,” came a voice that sent shivers down his spine.

Chakotay jumped nearly a foot in the air as he turned around to see a short woman with dark brown hair and striking green eyes.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“Me? Well, I’m anyone I want to be...at least in here. Out in the real world, they call me many things: batibat, sleep demon, witch, incubi. All very lovely, but I prefer Mara.”

“What is this place?” he asked.

She smiled and looked over at Kathryn.

“We’re in her dream...her memory, really. Truth be told it was hard picking which one to use. She’s been through so much. I was torn between this...or the Cardassian prison, but I’m not one for boring run-of-the-mill torture. This day is much more...appropriate,” she said with a grin.

“How did I get here?”

“That is a very good question. One which I’m curious to find the answer to myself. I’ve never seen anyone just walk out of their own nightmare like that. But no matter, I’m perfectly content to watch you run around in hers. After all, her pain causes you pain, if I’m correct. I can see from the way you look at her that she means everything to you. And I will take divine pleasure in forcing you to watch her fall apart over and over again for the rest of eternity,”

His eyes quickly shot up to meet hers.

“I don’t understand.”

“Oh dear, the fun has only just begun. You’ll understand soon enough, but by then it will be too late,” she giggled, walking around the room and in between Kathryn and her father. She examined all their faces with a delighted stare.

“Why are you doing this?” his rising anger was demonstrated in his tone, but it only caused Mara to laugh more.

She walked over to face him with an amused gleam in her eyes.

“I have three thousand years of hell to unleash. Finally, someone let me out of that damned box. It’s no fun all alone in there, nothing to do, no one to play with. I fully intend on making up for lost time,”

“Why can’t she see me anymore?”

“In here, I control everything. She’ll only be able to see you when I say so, and I’m waiting for the perfect moment.”

The three occupants of the room moved towards the door and walked right through Chakotay like he was nothing.

“Oh! It’s showtime. Nearly my favorite part, you won’t want to miss this…and I won’t let you,”

She snapped her fingers and with a flash, he reappeared on a small ship.

“Welcome aboard the Terra Nova!” Mara said gleefully, outstretching her arms to showcase the ship in all its glory. She giggled with a giddy sense of anticipation.

Chakotay looked around in confusion, but before he could ask any more questions she whispered.

“Oh! Here they come!”

“I hope you’re up to pilot, son,” Edward said, patting his future son-in-law on the shoulder.

“Of course! If you think I’m up to the job.”

“Well, if you’re capable of making my daughter happy, I’m quite sure you can do anything,”

Kathryn shot a glance at her father but was unable to conceal her smirk.

“I plan on making her very happy for a long time,” Justin replied earnestly.

Edward gave a smile and a slight nod at the boy before turning to his daughter.

“Katie, would you mind helping me in the back with something?”

“Sure,” her voice remained flat but her eyes and a slight wrinkle in her brow conveyed her confusion.

Once out of earshot from Justin, Edward turned to face her.

“So, when were you planning on telling your mother and I?”

“Telling you what?” she asked innocently.

“Don’t play dumb,”

She huffed in frustration and her cheeks turned pink from embarrassment.

“How did you find out?” she asked.

“I remember long ago when your mother was pregnant with you, and then Phoebe. She showed the same symptoms both times, symptoms that I’ve noticed in you over the past few days. Nausea, over-heating, and you suddenly went from eating nothing to eating almost everything in sight,”

“I was going to tell everyone after we passed the 13th-week mark,”

“You mean after you were married?”

“Well yes, I suppose the timing does line up quite well,” she agreed, guiltily.

“Katie, please promise me that you aren’t marrying that boy because of the child.”

“Daddy! How could you say a thing like that! Justin is truly the love of my life. You of all people should know that I would never marry anyone for anything less than true love. He’s the one, and this child we’re bringing into the world solidifies every promise we plan on making in a few weeks. Besides with today's technology, it’s hard to have a child by mistake. I know that I’m young but he and I both agreed that it was a good time and we didn’t want to wait any longer,”

“Alright. I’m just making sure. Honestly, I just can’t believe how grown you are...and how old I’ve gotten. Grandpa… not sure I’m ready to hear that quite yet.”

She laughed and shook her head.

“What would you prefer...Pop-pop?” she asked jokingly.

“Maybe grandpa is more suitable. Katie...I’m happy for you two, don’t doubt that,”

She smiled and leaned in for a brief hug. Once they were done, she stood straightened and smoothed out her jacket

“Well, let’s get back up there,” she suggested, turning around, but he caught her arm and gently had her face him once more.

“One more thing,” he said seriously.

“Hmm?”

“Promise me you’ll take it easy? I know you, you’ll be working yourself to the bone even when you shouldn’t, you get it from me.”

“Justin said the same thing. He’s been checking in on me every few hours. Bringing me food and encouraging me to take breaks. It’s almost like he’s practicing parenting on me.”

She turned and started walking back towards the helm and he followed, whispering, “Good. Someone ought to remind you to take care of yourself a little better, especially now that it isn’t just you,”

Chakotay watched them all happy and going back and forth easily in conversation.

“Why today?” Chakotay mumbled.

“What was that?” Mara asked.

“I asked, why today? You said you had to choose which day and this one seemed more appropriate. Why?”

“It’s my job to find a person's absolute worst memory. The one that crushes a part of them so completely that even just thinking about it takes their breath away. This is that day for her.”

“She seems so happy,”

“Only for a short while longer. This process is much more entertaining when I give them happiness to hold onto before ripping it away. Provides a better impact,”

“Don’t worry Chakotay. In a little bit, you’ll see exactly why I chose this day,”

He felt the familiar humming of the ship's core beneath his feet, and they began their journey.

“I’ll be back later. I have some other...friends I need to check up on. But rest assured that I’ll be back in time for my favorite part!”

It had taken an hour, maybe longer, for the first sign of turbulence. He noticed the location and immediately he remembered, her father died on Tau Ceti Prime, the same planet gracing the viewscreen before him. She had told him about the crash but failed to mention that she was involved.

They began a descent as the alarms started blaring. He watched in numb confusion and helplessness as the three of them began to panic. Justin raced past him to go fix a problem in the back of the ship. Kathryn soon followed as her father remained to try and regain control.

“Justin, we need to eject the warp core!” She yelled.

“The ship won’t hold during the impact of the explosion,” he replied and continued to work furiously on the console in front of him.

“We don’t have a choice!” she shouted.

He looked at her with concern in his eyes before grabbing her harshly by the wrist and leading her somewhere.

“Justin what are you doing?” she shouted angrily.

He didn't reply, opening the hatch on an escape pod.

“No, Justin stop!”

He lifted her petite body as she fought against him and put her quickly in the pod, closing it before she could get out.

“Justin please!” Her cries were muffled as she banged her hands to try and open the pod. His hand rested on the pod, a loving and gentle touch, and she realized it was a goodbye, but neither would say those words, holding on to the smallest bit of hope that it wasn’t true.

“I made a promise to your father. No matter what happened, you’d be safe. I love you, Kathryn,” he said tearfully before hitting the commands to eject the pod.

Her eyes, flooded with tears, grew wide in shock as she slipped away.

“No! Please don’t leave---” she was cut off as the pod flew out of the ship.

“Sir! She’s out. Eject the core!”

Chakotay’s perceived sight had vanished. When his eyes readjusted to his new surroundings, he shivered as he acclimated to the low temperatures.

He heard it like an aching cry. The sound of metal as it began to sink to the bottom of the icy depths. The terra nova had crashed, it’s hull was nearly demolished. His heart ached at the sight, but a soft moan of pain brought his attention elsewhere. He immediately turned to see Kathryn lying on icy ground. Her escape pod must’ve been thrown by the blast of the ejected warp core, he saw it crashed and smoking a few hundred feet away.

She was bloodied and crawling slowly towards the sight of the sinking ship. Her breaths came in harsh and labored gulps. From the way she moved he could tell she had several broken bones and her adrenaline was the only thing keeping her going. He wanted so badly to help her, to hold her and tell her she would be alright, but he couldn't. He was a ghost, a spectator to her agony and nothing more. He watched as she gathered scraps of things and began fiddling with them. He realized they were parts of the transporter.

She managed to have it in working function within a few minutes, but quickly realized she would only have enough power to save one. She saw their life signs, weak and growing weaker with each passing second. A sob escaped her lips as she tried to think of who she should save. She watched as the life sign of her father faded away in the blink of an eye.

“No, oh...please no,” she cried.

She quickly regained her focus and began to transport Justin. Looking to her left she noticed him begin to materialize, but then he faded away.

“No….no!” she shouted in frustration, hitting the buttons again to try to get him back.

Before the last bit of power drained from the makeshift transporter, she saw his life sign slowly wither away along with her will to keep fighting.

“Justin,” she whimpered as her aching cried shook her broken body.

  
Chakotay fell to his knees upon watching her. Physically broken and moments from death and her heart had completely split in two, her soul had faded away just as those life signs had. She was forever changed at that moment, destined to never fill her heart with love out of fear it would shatter. Determined to never depend upon people, because they can so easily be torn from you at a moments notice. No promise that love will last forever, can ever protect her from the universe’s cruel and bitter nature.

Her sobs grew quiet as she drifted out of consciousness. Chakotay let a few more tears slip as he noticed the blood spreading between her legs, knowing then exactly why she never mentioned her child.

His surroundings blew away once more and he found himself in a hospital room. There she was before him, so fragile and pale. She was sleeping while monitors kept track of her every function. He stood back up on shaking legs and slowly walked over to her.

Her eyes began to flutter as she moaned. She slowly opened them and met his sorrowful stare with one of confusion.

“Where am I?” she asked.

“You...you can see me?” he asked in shock.

“Yes, Chakotay. She can see you now,” Mara interrupted.

“You’re at Starfleet Medical,” he said assuming from a glance at his surroundings.

“Where is my father. Admiral Edward Janeway and my fiance Lieutenant Justin Tighe. They were with me on the ship…”

Chakotay remained silent and looked away, holding back tears.

“Look at her Chakotay. She’s lost her father and her fiancé and she has no idea. Someone has to tell her.”

He refused to look into her eyes, unable to watch her heartbreaking once more.

“No. Look at her,” Mara commanded.

He obeyed unwillingly, losing control of his own muscles as they forced his head to face Kathryn and held his eyes open.

“Good. Now.... tell her they’re dead. Tell her how she failed to save them,”

“No, I can’t,” he said, fighting back tears.

She laughed.

“You act like you have a choice. You don’t”

She snapped her fingers and the words began to fall from his lips without a thought. He looked into Kathryn's teary eyes, his heart crumbling to pieces.

“I’m so sorry. You were the only survivor of the accident. Your father and lieutenant Tighe had passed before anyone arrived at the scene. Attempts to revive them proved unsuccessful,” he stated coldly, colder than he would have liked.

Her mouth fell agape and tears fell from her eyes.

She struggled for a few seconds to speak, her lips trembling and her voice raspy.

“My baby?” She croaked.

His heart dropped to his stomach. He looked up at Mara who was wearing a sickening grin. She nodded at him and once again he began to speak. He had no choice.

“You suffered a placental abruption from the trauma. When you were brought here....we couldn’t detect a fetal heartbeat. I’m very sorry,” he felt the bile rise in his throat.

“No.....no please,” she sobbed. As she began to take all of the information in, her crying became violent and turned into a need to leave.

Kathryn tried to haul herself over the side of the bed, trying to get up. Alarms began to ring in his ears and a team of nurses rushed in to hold her down and sedate her. She threw her arms around, not caring if she hit anyone. She was fighting them with every ounce of strength she had left. She screamed at the top of her lungs, in a broken voice.

“Let me go! No! I want to die, please just let me die!”

Chakotay's tears were streaming down his cheeks. He wanted to stop watching. He wanted to erase this pain from both of their memories, but all he could do was view it and take it all in.

Eventually, someone retrieved a hypospray and injected her with it. She immediately stopped fighting but he could still hear her sobbing. He could still hear her begging to be let go; begging to die.

Mara had snuck up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Unable to look away from the scene he stared ahead, tears streaming down his cheeks and his heart disintegrating with each passing second.

“This is why she’ll never love you, Chakotay,” she said, feigning care for him.

Before she walked out of the room she leaned in closer and whispered, “She’s too broken to love,”


	3. Broken Promise

His head was spinning endlessly and within seconds his stomach had joined in the merry-go-round of misery leaving him nauseous and numb. Without a moment to collect himself, he blinked and was back on the ship where he had been all those hours ago. The tears he had let fall were suddenly dry. All had returned to how it was, and then she turned around and smiled. His heart dropped, realizing he would have to watch it all again. He couldn't bear the thought, and not wanting to let another minute go by, he walked over to her. He gently touched her arm to grab her attention and looking deep in her eyes, pleaded with her to recognize him.

“Excuse me, may I help you? Are you lost, sir?” she asked politely, but still assuming a position she could easily defend herself from. She was apprehensive, and he didn’t blame her. To her, he was a sad-looking stranger, desperate for something that she couldn’t know. 

“Kathryn,” he whispered, the pain of the situation causing his voice to break. 

“Do I know you?” she asked, confused. 

“Yes...yes you know me. I need you to remember,” he tried to keep his composure but every time he blinked he saw her lying on the icy cold, bleeding and broken. Every moment of silence was occupied by her screams of pain, her voice calling out, wishing for death. 

Her sweet, albeit confused and testy, tone called him back to the present with a startle. 

“I’m sorry, I’m not following…I know you, but...I don’t remember? Perhaps I should call for some help, you don’t look well.”

She went to tap her communicator but he grabbed her hand to stop her. 

“NO! You’re Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway.....you love dogs, you like to paint, but you never show your work, you...love coffee and brownies, caramel brownies that your mother makes, they’re your favorite. You love roses and poetry, you…you wish you learned to play an instrument because you love music, but you can never find the time,” he rambled. 

Her eyes were wide with shock, and then with a flash of anger, she poked him hard in the chest and got close to his face to intimidate him. 

“What the hell are you, some sort of stalker? Are you after me, after my father? Who are you--”

He stopped her yelling with a gentle hand to move her hair behind her ear. At first, he thought she’d punch him or call for help, but the moment his fingertips met with the soft skin of her cheek, her eyes closed and she released a shuttered breath. 

She leaned into his hand and lifted her own to cover it. With a soft sigh she whispered: “Chak--” but before she could finish, Justin came over and pulled her away from the romantic embrace. 

“Kathryn, who the hell is this?” he asked, looking Chakotay up and down, palpable anger in his glare. 

“Uhh, I don’t...I don’t know,” she stammered, uncharacteristically. Chakotay looked over and saw her words were true. Any momentary recognition she may have had was now gone. 

Justin took a deep breath to try and reigned himself in, his fists balled and ready for a fight, but he managed to step back and focus on Kathryn. 

“We’ll talk about this later, we need to go meet your father,” he said harshly. 

She nodded silently and walked down the hall with him. 

He watched as the last bit of hope he had clutched to turned to dust. 

“Clever…but she isn’t going to wake up,” a familiar and chilling voice whispered into his ear. 

He took a deep breath, gathering all his sadness, his confusion, his brokenness, and channeling it into his anger. He turned around and pushed her up against the wall, his arm against her throat, she gasped and wheezed, struggling for air. 

“Stop this! Let us out!” He yelled. 

Her fear and gasps turned to hysterical laughter, still choked by his arm. She lifted her hand and with a simple wave, he was tossed to the other side of the ship. 

With a few coughs, she was back to normal and still chuckling. 

“You are something…feisty, I love it.”

He stood up from the ground and shook off the pain of having the wind knocked out of him. 

“Did you really think that would work? You can try to hurt me, but I’m more powerful. Even if you succeed in killing me in here, I’ll just come back,” she said.

She walked over to him and punched him in the stomach, causing him to bend over and cough. 

“Come now, wouldn’t want you to miss all the fun,” she said with a smile. 

She snapped her fingers and in a single second, he was aboard the Terra Nova. It was happening faster this time around, they were already experiencing turbulence. 

He watched, numb and empty, as it happened all over again, Justin forced her into the shuttle and then he reappeared on the icy planet, helplessly watching her crawl using broken arms, forced to watch as she lost those she loved, her unborn child, and finally herself.

As she gave in to the temptations of unconsciousness, he returned to the hospital where he stood in front of her bed. Mara stood on the other side of the room and gave him a knowing look. 

“Go on, tell her Chakotay. Don’t try to resist, you know it won’t work,” she came up behind him and rested a hand on his shoulder. 

“No,” He looked down at the tray next to Kathryn's bed. On it rested a scalpel. He grabbed it and turned around. Before Mara could react, he plunged the sharp object into the side of her neck and ran, hearing the sound of her choking on her own blood as he exited the room. 

He frantically looked down the hall, doors on either side as far as his eyes could see. He remembered how he exited his vision quest. He walked down the hall and began to frantically open every door. Most led to nothing, abounding darkness, and silence. By the time he reached the fifth door, he read the number 520, Kathryn’s birthday, and with utmost certainty, he knew this was the way out. 

He reached for the doorknob and opened the door. As soon as he did so, an ugly cry of anger rang in his ears. 

“No!” She yelled. 

He threw the door open and walked in, closing it behind him. 

Looking around he didn’t recognize his surroundings, golden wood floors and a large window with flowing white curtains. The walls were pale pink and a small bed with matching sheets rested against the wall. He heard sniffling coming from behind him and turned around to see a curly-haired little girl sitting at a child’s play-table. She was trying hard to focus on her coloring book, but distant shouts of anger distracted her, as did the tears falling onto the pages. She was no more than five years old, he couldn’t see her face, but something about her was so familiar. 

“Excuse me,” he said softly, walking over to the small girl. 

She sniffled and looked up, and in doing so, caused Chakotay to gasp. 

He kneeled and looked in her eyes which were overflowing with tears. 

“B’Elanna?” He asked. 

She shook her head. 

“I don’t like that name. Call me Bella. I want to be called Bella,” she said firmly, wiping the tears from her eyes. 

“Alright…Bella. May I ask what’s wrong?”

“No, but I can ask you who you are and why you’re in my house,” she stood up and got in his face. 

He chuckled at the young girl's attitude, some things never change. 

“I’m a friend,” he said, waiting for her to argue, but she looked into his eyes somehow knew she could trust him. 

Looking at him curiously, she sat down defeated. She glanced down again before answering his previous question. 

“My parents are downstairs fighting. My daddy is leaving,” she said sadly. 

“I’m sure he’ll be back—“ 

“No!” She shouted. 

“He’s leaving forever. He doesn’t love me, because I’m too much like a Klingon,”

“Bella, I’m sure he loves you. He’s just confused,”

“No. He hates me because... sometimes I get angry. But…I can’t help it, I just get so mad and…and he hates my ridges. I do too, they’re ugly.”

“Bella that’s not true. You’re a beautiful little girl, and anyone who can’t see that is a big dummy,”

She smiled slightly at his remark. 

“Then why doesn’t he want me? Why does he have to leave?” She asked, her voice breaking. 

“Sometimes, grownups do stupid things, because, like children, we get scared too, and we don’t always make the best choices. Your father loves you, but he’s just too concerned with what other people think to actually do what’s right. I promise you that you’ll have your mother, and you’ll have friends who will become like family. You’ll be ok,”

“But I don’t have any friends. The kids at school think I’m weird,”

“Maybe right now, but you will have friends B’Elanna,”

“Bella!” she shouted.

“Bella, sorry,”

“I’ll never have friends…not when these get in the way,” she said pointing towards her forehead. 

He was about to protest but a distant shouting caught his attention. 

“B’Elanna! I need to discuss something with you!” Miral shouted. 

Chakotay looked to B’Elanna and held his pointer finger to his lips as he backed into the closet to hide from her mother. He knew he wouldn’t be able to explain himself to Miral.

Miral walked in the room, still furious. 

“B’Elanna—“

“Bella,” she said forcefully.

“No, my daughter is named B’Elanna and that’s what I will call her. I don’t understand why you insist upon changing your name. It is a strong name. The name of a warrior,”

“I don’t want to be a warrior! I just want to be normal,” she shouted. 

“I am not to raise a ‘normal’ daughter. I intend to raise a brave and fierce young fighter,”

“This is why dad doesn’t want to be here! He wants me to be normal, but you won’t let me so he left!”

“You weren’t meant to overhear,”

“Well, I did. And if I weren’t Klingon daddy would stay. He would love me,”

“B’Elanna look at me. Your father left because he is weak. We don’t need him, we’re strong enough to—“ 

B’elanna shook her head and began crying. She covered her ears, not wanting to hear any more of what her mother had to say. 

“Get out,” she yelled. 

“Excuse me?” her mother said angrily. 

“I said get out. Dad doesn’t like Klingons and I don’t either so get out! I hate being a Klingon. I wish I had a human mother!”

Her mother stood, trying to conceal her hurt, and walked towards the door. 

“Fine, I’ll have dinner ready within the hour. Perhaps by then you’ll have calmed down and we can talk about this more,” she walked out and shut the door. 

B’Elanna began crying in harsh gulps. She grabbed the safety scissors out of her pencil box and ran to the mirror which hung over her bureau. Tears in her eyes, she grabbed a chunk of hair in the front of her face and began cutting. Uneven pieces splayed across her forehead in a sloppy heap, but they managed to cover her ridges, so she looked at herself seriously and willed the tears away. She walked over to the closet and opened the door. 

A broken-hearted Chakotay took in the girls appearance and bent down to wipe the remnants of her tears. 

She reached around him and grabbed a bag. Running from him, she went over to her drawers and began tossing clothes in the bag. 

“Bella what are you doing?” 

“I want to go with my daddy,”

“Bella…” he warned. 

“I can’t stay with her,” she cried. 

She walked over to the window and tossed her bag out. 

“Bella, that’s too far a drop, you’re on the second floor you could get hurt,” he said, placing his hands on her shoulders. 

“How about I grab some tissues and you and I can talk a little more?” he suggested. 

She nodded as tears began to flood her eyes once more. He turned away to grab tissues from her nightstand, but as soon as he did, she leaped onto the windowsill. He turned around but it was too late. 

“B’Elanna don’t” he shouted as she leaped down. 

He ran to the window to see her lying on the ground, screaming and writhing in pain. She was clutching her right arm which he could see the bone protruding from at a grotesque angle. Miral came running out shouting in Klingon. He watched as the broken little girl was carried off by her mother. A few tears of his own fell for the poor girl he’d one day know as his best friend. 

“Did you really think you could hide from me?” He turned around quickly, but before he could take another breath, his face was met with the full force of a fist. 

“That was for stabbing me, and in the neck no less. What a fucking mess.”

She grabbed the collar of his shirt and dragged him towards another door. 

“Now what am I going to do with you?”


	4. No Place Like Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Warning!

“Well I know I can’t put him back, he’d just escape again, or try to mess with her dream. Can’t kill him; can’t keep him. What to do….what to do,” she spoke to herself in hushed tones, but he still managed to hear the echoes. 

His eyes grew wide and searched the darkness of his surroundings. He couldn’t see a thing, but he could feel his wrists, bound tightly with chains, losing circulation. He could smell the scent of his own blood, a matching taste rested on his lips. 

“Hey!” he shouted hoarsely.

He heard a breathy chuckle in response. 

“Ah, you’re finally awake,” she spoke. 

He turned his head but couldn’t see any movement; he couldn’t even tell which direction she spoke from. Her voice echoed all around him. 

“Where am I?” he asked. 

“Nowhere? Everywhere? Take your pick, it’s all the same,”

“Where are you? Show your face!” he demanded. 

Suddenly a dim light appeared behind him, slowly making its way around to his front. 

As his eyes found the source, he jumped back, but being tied down he barely moved an inch. He was shocked that the once pretty, green-eyed young being now appeared old, withered, and deformed. Her breathing seemed labored and each movement looked as though it took great effort. She was growing frail. 

“What’s the matter? My true form isn’t good enough for you? And here I thought you liked me for my personality!” 

She chuckled but her rasped voice was thrown quickly into a coughing fit. 

“You’re weak,” he said, finally able to chuckle at the turn in tables.

“Don’t look too smug commander, it has nothing to do with you. I’m not sure what’s going on but it definitely wasn’t your little idiotic stunt in the hospital. I’ve been through much worse before and come out just fine. This...this is something else I don’t--” she was cut short as she grabbed at her side and fell to her knees, shouting in pain. 

And then he heard it, familiar voices in a chorus chanting in an unfamiliar language. 

“Shit,” Mara muttered. 

“What is that? What’s going on?” he asked frantically.

She looked him dead in the eyes, defeat, and annoyance obvious as her smirk turned to a grimace. 

“They’re awake,” she spat. 

She grabbed her abdomen in intense and increasing pain as Chakotay’s expression went from confused to calm. This was it. He’d be free.

With one last cry of agony, Mara’s form began to crack and crumble until nothing was left but a pile of dust. 

With a sigh of relief and a chuckle he waited for himself to wake, but nothing happened. He was stuck in the darkness, the emptiness, the silence. 

“No,” he cried, shutting his eyes tight. 

“...tay.” he heard a muffled voice, echoed in his mind, but his eyes remained closed, his head shaking. 

“Chakotay, you’re ok, you’re safe,” there it was, the voice that had filled his every waking thought, the sweet mixture of honey and gravel calling out to him.

“Kathryn,” he whispered. 

“It’s me, love, open your eyes. You’re okay now,”

As his eyelids cracked open he was met with the harsh lights of sickbay. 

“I’m awake?” he asked. 

Once adjusted to the brightness, he looked up at her beautiful smile and felt relief wash over every ounce of his being. 

“Yes, you’re aw--” she began, but Chakotay sat up quickly and kissed her, catching her off guard. 

A tear escaped and fell down his cheek as their lips met fiercely. He kissed her as if he had been waiting his entire life to do so, and she returned it eagerly. She was all that mattered. Her petite body safe in his arms, her lips on his, that was all he had craved throughout his misadventure through hell. 

He pulled away upon hearing a few gasps from different people and a whistle coming from none other than Tom Paris. Behind him stood Harry Kim, B’elanna Torres, the Doctor, and Kes. He hadn’t realized they weren’t alone, and while rumors of the romance had been circulating since day one, there had never been any official confirmation. Everyone stood staring, silly grins on their faces, except for Harry Kim who was blushing terribly and all of a sudden very interested in inspecting the tops of his shoes. 

“Finally! Time to cash in on my replicator rations!” Tom said gleefully. 

Kathryn looked at Chakotay as they both tried to conceal their amusement but a small smirk from him and they both burst into hushed laughter.

She quickly composed herself and facing the giddy members of her crew, she asked for a moment in private with the Commander. Never before had Chakotay seen people clear a room so fast. 

She turned back to face him with a devious smile and a raised brow. 

“Now, where were we?” she asked. 

He chuckled but held up a hand to stop her. 

“As much as I want to get back to that, I need some answers. What happened?”

“We were all under the control of some kind of entity who was able to control our minds while we were asleep. But the doctor managed to figure out something was wrong and had the good sense to call for help from the Shaqrien. They gave him instructions on how to wake people up, but since the entity was occupying your mind directly, you were the most difficult to wake. We gathered around and chanted words from an ancient script they gave us. And now here you are, safe and sound. The nightmare is over.” 

“And Mara? The demon, what happened to her? Where did she go?” he asked nervously. 

“Returned to sand and placed in a locked box. We’re safe I promise; she’s gone,”

He released a deep breath, realizing he had made it through. It was done, and the brokenness of the Kathryn he had seen in the nightmare was nowhere to be found. Here was the woman he knew, smiling, confident, and fully alive. 

He pulled her close and kissed her again, feeling her muffled chuckle on his lips.

Pulling back he looked deep into her eyes and without hesitation, he began to say “Kathryn, I lov--”

The moment was interrupted as the ship jolted and threw them off balance. 

“What was that?” he asked nervously. 

“I have no idea, but I suggest we find out. Get in uniform, I’ll meet you on the bridge,” she replied.

He nodded and got back to his quarters to change from the sickbay gown into his uniform. 

As the turbolift doors opened to the bridge he saw everyone at their battle stations, the angry light of a red alert washed over the entirety of the ship. 

“Ah you made it, just in time for the warm welcome our new friends have prepared for us,” Kathryn said as he took his seat next to her. 

“Status report, Mr. Kim,” he stated. 

“Six..no seven alien vessels approaching. Two-point five lightyears out. They--”

With a loud bang, the ship rocked violently, the crew holding on for dear life. 

“Damage?” Kathryn yelled.

“Shields down to thirty percent...They’re hailing us, Captain,”

“On screen,” she commanded. 

“We are the Cronam. You are trespassing in our territory. We wish to speak with your leader immediately,”

On the viewscreen sat a singular, sky blue creature, eyes a devilish red, and daker spikes starting at the bridge of his nose which continued upward into what would be his hair.

Kathryn stood, shoulders squared and jaw set in anger. She approached the viewscreen with her best death glare in place. 

“I am the captain of this ship. We were unaware that--”

“We do not recognize females as anything more than what they are….servants. We wish to speak to the highest-ranking male aboard this vessel,” 

Chakotay leaped from his chair, placing a calming hand on her shoulder, silently telling her that this is not the time to argue. 

He stepped forward.

“That would be me,” he said. 

“Very well, we wish for you to board our vessel and discuss an arrangement. Perhaps there is something you could offer us in exchange for safe passage through our space. Come alone, no weapons, no deveices or else we will take necessary action,”

“I’ll do it, prepare for me to transport momentarily,”

The alien nodded and the screen blinked as it turned pitch black. 

“Commander my ready room...now,” her voice pierced his ears with anger. 

Silently he followed behind her, ready for the verbal dress-down he was about to receive. 

“What the hell was that!”

“Kathryn we don’t have much choice, they knocked seventy percent of our shield power down within a single shot and I have half a mind to guess that was probably a warning. We can’t argue with them and we can’t avoid their section of space entirely,”

“I don’t like this, Chakotay. I don’t like you going there alone...unarmed no less,”

“Kathryn, we don’t have a choice,”

“We should have at least discussed this with the senior staff,”

“There isn’t time,” 

He stepped closer, and at that moment wanted to kiss her gently, in case this went wrong, in case this would be the last time. Not wanting to break her rule of separating their personal lives from their working relationship, he opted to take her hand in his. 

Much to his surprise she smiled a teary smile and took a step closer, pressing her lips gently to his. She broke away and cupping his face, whispered, “Stay safe,”

“I will, Kathryn. I promise,” 

And with that he made his way to transporter room one, leaving his phaser and commbadge behind in her ready room. 

“Energize,” 

He rematerialized among a group of ten, seven-foot-tall males, towering over him and glaring downward to his ‘small’ frame of six feet. 

“This way,” one of the aliens with medals covering his chest, seemingly to symbolize authority, stepped forward and grabbed his upper arm. He led him to a small room and tossed him into a seat.

“Tell me, do you treat all your visitors with this level of hospitality?” Chakotay said, sarcasm poorly concealing his anger. 

“You aren’t a visitor,” 

“I was under the impression that I was coming here to reach some sort of agreement, we have materials, food, literature, what is it you want?” 

The alien looked at him quizzically and then chuckled as he shook his head. 

“Answer me this, Commander...How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Follow a woman! You are obviously stronger, and smarter...you had the sense not to go against us, seeing as we are far superior. She would have reacted with her emotions. Why do you waste your life being commanded by that weak little cunt?”

Chakotay’s anger rapidly formed into a seething rage. He went to stand but before he could, his wrists, torso, and ankles were bound by thick metal bands. They’d sprung up from the seat before he’d even had the chance to blink. Kathryn had been right, this was a trap.

“What the hell is going on?” Chakotay did his best to remain calm but had quickly lost patience. The more he struggled against his restraints, the tighter they became. He took a deep breath and glared at the man across from him. 

“Do you know what the punishment is on my planet for women who attempt to rise above the rank of servants? We kill them, we start by skinning them slowly, from the ankles to the tops of their pretty little heads,”

“If you lay a fucking hand on her I swear you’ll regret it,” Chakotay spat. 

“I wouldn’t threaten the man who has you strapped to a chair. Don’t worry we aren’t on my homeworld, and besides, I have no patience for such a prolonged death. I told them to make it quick,” the man said with a foul smile. 

“What did you do?” he yelled as his heart fell to his stomach.

“I followed the law of my people. I’ve corrected a grievous wrong in this quadrant. I removed a woman from a seat of power....and punished the people who were dim-witted enough to follow her. You see, right as you beamed aboard my ship, I beamed a group of my men aboard yours,”

“You son of a bitch,”

“I’m not quite sure what that means but I’m guessing you’re angry. Don’t worry, it’s customary to leave one behind unscathed...to tell others the frightening tale of the all-powerful Cronam,”

“I don’t believe you,” Chakotay said. 

Amused with Chakotay, the alien stood tall and tapped his a square shape on the side of his neck, presumably their version of a commbadge. 

“Open a channel, I’d like to listen in on our men’s adventures aboard voyager,” he commanded. 

There were faint screams echoed through the room. The alien closed his eyes, a look of pure bliss on his face. He was savoring the sweet sounds of misery as they graced his auditory senses. 

Chakotay recognized the voices as they got louder. He heard Neelix first, a shout and then a groan in pain. He heard Sam Wildman and a few other Ensigns beg for their lives before the pleas were cut short. It went silent for a while, and Chakotay tried desperately to keep his tears at bay. 

The next thing he heard was B’Elanna growling as the men approached her. He heard a great struggle and one of the Cronam men cry out in agony. There were shouts of anger, insults directed at her that made his blood boil, and then in her final moments they asked her to beg and she told them to go to hell. 

He heard her grunt in pain and felt a piece of his soul disintegrate. 

He shook his head and struggled against his bindings, not caring that they were getting so tight that it was beginning to constrict his circulation. 

“Stop! Stop it now!”

“Don’t worry commander. They’ll barely feel any pain. Well...most of them anyway,” he joked. 

“No. The audio...it could be faked. I still don’t believe you,” Chakotay said, praying that his guess would be right. 

“Why don’t you see for yourself,” he replied with a chuckle.

“Beam the Commander back aboard Voyager once our men get back, and prepare to hit top speeds on charted path alpha,” he commanded.

“Yes, sir” a faceless voice resounded through a comm system. 

Before Chakotay could protest he was injected with something in the side of his neck and his world went dark The next thing he felt was the familiar tingle of a transporter take him away. He felt his grogginess fade as his adrenaline kicked in. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since he was knocked out, but none of that mattered. He felt his weight reappear on the familiar hard ground of the ship. 

His eyes were closed tight, not wanting to open, closing tighter as the scent of blood invaded his nostrils. With a shaky sob of a breath, he opened his eyes.

“No, no, no, no,” he fell to his knees as he screamed out aching cries.

He was back on Voyagers bridge. In front of him was Tom Paris, dead and slung over the helm. 

He slowly looked around. Tuvok’s bloodied hand could be seen on the floor behind his station. The rest of the crew’s bodies were scattered, the whole bridge was coated in the blood of its crew. He bent to his right as the few contents of his stomach emptied onto the floor. Attempting to gather himself, he looked down, but to his horror he was met with the body of Harry Kim. His throat had been slit, his corpse tossed carelessly in front of the captain's chair. 

Kathryn, he didn’t see her on the bridge. He stood and ran to her ready room. Hesitantly he opened the door, and there it was, the final blow that permanently ended his will to live. 

Her clothes had been ripped, her pips removed and tossed around the room. He could see clearly a stab wound on her torso, her body was swimming in a puddle of her own blood. Her head faced the other way, but he heard a cough and his head shot up immediately. 

He ran to her side, lifting her into his lap. 

“Kathryn?...Kathryn!” 

Her eyes fluttered open, but only halfway. 

“You’re okay,” she smiled, blood dripping from the corners of her mouth. She coughed as a tear glided down his cheek. She lifted a hand to wipe it away. 

“I’m okay Kathryn, and you will be too. Just hold on,” 

He grabbed her comm badge from the floor and hit it calling out for the doctor. 

She moved her hand to take the badge. 

“It’s no use, they disabled the systems,” she wheezed. 

“I don’t … I don’t know what to do Kathryn. Tell me what to do,” he sobbed. 

“Hold me,” she cried. “I don’t want to die alone.” 

“I’m right here love, I’m not going anywhere,”

He lifted her gently and brought her closer in his arms, kissing the top of her head and rocking his body slightly, whether to calm himself or her, he wasn’t sure. 

“I’m so sorry Kathryn...I’m so sorry,” he stroked away his tears that landed in her hair. 

“Chakotay...I love y--” within a single second her eyes had glazed over and her last breath released from her lips. 

“Kathryn?.... Kathryn please!” he yelled, tightening his hold on her body. 

“I love you too,” he whispered through his tears. 

He shut his eyes, praying to the spirits, to anyone who was listening, that this wasn’t real. He opened his eyes and it was still there, it was still real...she was still gone. 

He glanced around the room and remembered his phaser. He had left it in her desk drawer before beaming aboard the other ship. He gently laid her down and walked over to the drawer and took out the phaser. He blinked away the tears as he set it to kill. 

“We’ll be together soon,” he muttered. 

He knelt next to her body and took her ice-cold hand in his. He looked down at the weapon in his hand, and slowly raised it to his head, looking into her vacant eyes one last time. 

He felt his finger move to pull the trigger, but suddenly a hand rested on his shoulder and pressed against the phaser to lower it away from his head. 

He looked up to see Tuvok, alive and unharmed. 

“How...how are you here I saw you...you were dead,”

He looked down as Kathryn’s body began to shake violently. 

“Kathryn?” he shouted. 

“Commander, you are dreaming. None of this is real, let me help you,” he moved his hands over Chakotay’s head. 

“My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts,” he stated. 

He heard the chilling laugh emanate from the supposedly dead body as Kathryn’s soft features melted away to reveal the demon staring back, laughing hysterically.

He clamped his eyes closed and allowed himself to fall into the mind-meld. 

“Chakotay?” a voice called out.

“Kathryn?” he groaned. 

His eyes cracked open, wincing as they met with the harsh light of sickbay. 

“No, it’s B’Elanna,” she said calmly.

Tuvok stepped back from the biobed, and with a nod to B’Elanna, he walked away from Chakotay’s curtained off area of sickbay. 

He shot up, but she pushed him back down immediately. 

“Woah, take it easy. You’ve been out for almost twenty-four hours straight. You were one of the last to wake,”

“Where is she?” He whispered.

B’Elanna avoided his gaze. 

“B’Elanna, where is she?” he asked, his voice conveying his lost patience. 

“She hasn’t woken. She’s the last one. She’s in the biobed next to us,” as she finished speaking he whirled his feet over the side of the bed and hopped off. He went as quickly as he could, his legs unsteady, to her bedside. 

He was thrown back to the image of her younger self, so broken, so small. His heart was aching. 

Tuvok approached the two, after having spoken to the doctor. 

“I’ve tried a number of times to establish a mind-meld with her, but it proves to be unsuccessful. The doctor isn’t sure how to proceed. She is otherwise quite healthy, and no amount of stimulus has brought her around,” 

Chakotay nodded, numb to the information at hand. 

“I have to go back,” he muttered. 

“What was that?” B’Elanna asked.

“In this...state, this place...whatever you want to call it. I was able to travel through other people’s nightmares. I was stuck in Kathryn’s, but once she almost remembered. I had been able to get through to her, just for a second, but if I try again...I might be able to save her,” 

Just as B’Elanna was about to protest, the monitors tracking Kathryn’s vitals began to blare. Her body convulsed as the doctor raced around, shouting commands to Tom about what he needed. He injected a hypospray into her neck and immediately it calmed her body down, but her brainwaves continued to go haywire. 

“Whatever you plan on doing Commander, I suggest you do it soon. I’m not sure how much longer her body can hold out,” the doctor said. 

Taking a deep, calming breath, he looked at her helpless state. He had to do this. He would be the one to save her, or he’d die trying.

  



	5. Things I Almost Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally back! This chapter has been sitting in my google docs for a really long time now. I couldn't decide it if was too much or not enough or too long or too short. I've been torturing myself with trying to make this perfect, but nothing is ever perfect so...here is a chapter I think is pretty damn good and I'm posting it. Enjoy!
> 
> Special thanks to trinfinity2000 for the beta read!

He sped back to his quarters, burying any concern over his own well-being. He would push through the pain and the dizziness. Kathryn needed him to. 

He sat in his quarters for a few minutes trying to come up with ideas on how he could not only find Kathryn but bring her back. He needed a solid plan if any of this was to work. After B’Elanna commed to give him a lecture about not taking care of himself, he begrudgingly agreed to get something in his stomach and drink a bit of water. It had helped to clear his head and ward off the dizzy spells. 

It took him less than an hour to fully formulate a plan. He was dressed and back in Sickbay just in time to witness Kathryn's body helplessly seizing and her heart fighting a desperate battle to keep beating. He turned away as the doctor and Tom Paris worked hard to help her. He couldn’t bring himself to watch her suffering. 

After the doctor managed to stabilize her, Chakotay sat on the floor next to her biobed. He opened his medicine bundle, shut his eyes, and began his chant. 

His eyelids peeled open slowly, absorbing his surroundings. This wasn’t right. The ground was black and grey, thick with ash. Smoke billowed from an unknown location, it surrounded him, it was nearly suffocating. A few moments later the smoke grew thin enough for him to see a bit ahead of him. The once luscious forest was now a charred graveyard where blackened poles acted as tombstones for the abundance of life; burned away like it was nothing. This had been his sanctuary, his place of prayer. There was an indescribable pain within him, seeing it in ruins. 

“Father?” he called out, but no response. 

He looked around, in all directions but he could barely see, he had no idea where to go. 

“Spirits if ever there was a time for your guidance it would be now, please help me,” he whispered. 

A soft wind gently blew more of the smoke away, showing just beyond the first few rows of charred trees, the door. It was the one he had seen when he first escaped his own ‘nightmare’, the door that had led him to Kathryn. He ran to it, a silent prayer of thanks echoed in his mind. 

He immediately went to open the door but jumped back as he felt the skin on his hands melting off. He cried out in agony. The skin on his hand nearly vanished and in its place was charred remnants surrounded by blistered flesh. He took harsh gulps and slowed it into deep breaths. He had to keep going. He took off his uniform jacket and covered his hands with it, pushing the door open and rushing through. 

The second he was over the threshold, a booming voice echoed “You couldn’t stay away could you?”

“Mara.” 

He gritted his teeth in anger, carelessly tossing his jacket to the floor. 

“I should have known you’d be an excellent kisser but whew you are skilled. And all I had to do was wear that uncomfortable uniform, put my hair in a ridiculous bun and speak a bit lower. You were putty in my hands. It’s a shame I wasn’t able to explore your other...talents but I highly doubt you’re lacking in that department either,” she laughed, her voice fading away. 

“Enough of these games, Mara. Show yourself!” 

He felt hands wrap around his chest from behind in a seductive motion, and he jumped away. 

“Oh come on don’t be shy,” she said with a giggle. 

She was back to the form he had first encountered. Glowing green eyes, dark brown hair that reached just past her shoulders, and she looked no more than twenty-five. 

“Where is Kathryn?” he asked. 

“Oh Kathryn, Kathryn, Kathryn….what do you see in her anyway?”

“Where is she?” He deepened his tone, losing what little patience he still had. 

Suddenly her features shifted and her clothes changed. Before him, stood an exact image of the woman he knew and loved. 

“She’s right here... I can be anyone you want me to be, I can do anything you want me to do.” 

She walked over to him and tried to touch his cheek but he slapped her hand away. 

“Fine. If you insist.” She morphed back into the young woman and waved her hand. In an instant, their surroundings changed and he looked around to find himself in a dark cell. The concrete walls were cold and damp, the floor was just dirt. He glanced to the corner of the room where a small huddled form was shaking, her legs drawn to her chest. 

He moved past Mara and ran to the woman's side. When his hand met the skin of her arm, she jumped shielding her face and whimpering. 

“Kathryn?” he whispered gently, his thumb pushing back the matted hair from her face. 

Before Kathryn opened her eyes Mara snapped her fingers and they were back on the ship where he first was. 

“Ok, now you’ve seen her,” Mara said.

“Why is she in there? Why isn't she out here, reenacting her worst day as you wanted,” he did his best to calm his anger, he knew Mara didn’t respond to his outburst with anything other than laughter. 

“She’s grown a bit more difficult to control since you left.” Her face took on a bitter expression. 

He felt a small beam of hope at the thought that Kathryn might remember, and be fighting her hardest to get out. 

“What if I offer you a trade. My life for hers,” he said. 

She shook her head with a crooked smile. 

“As much as I’m tempted I must decline your offer.”

“There must be some deal or exchange you’re willing to make,” he pleaded. 

Her eyes squinted and her features took on a contemplative expression. In a single second, it shifted into a look of devious delight. 

“You want your beloved Kathryn back so bad...fine, but you’ll have to find her first.” She waved her hand and suddenly he was back in the hospital where he had to tell a young Kathryn about the loss of her loved ones. He stood in the corridor, one without an end or a beginning, only doors leading to unknown places. 

“You’ll have one hour. Face your past, make peace with it, and find the girl before time is up, or else you both remain trapped here... forever.” Her eyes glowed like fireflies on a dark summer night, and with a gust of wind, she was gone. 

“Wait!” he shouted. 

“Good luck.” Her whisper bounced off the walls, bringing his fear to the front of his mind so forcefully it was almost tangible. He cleared his head and replaced every bad thought with one objective, finding Kathryn. His hour had begun. 

He stared down the seemingly endless hallway. 

Above each door was a set of numbers. Last time the numbers above the door represented Kathryn's birthday, this time they looked like stardates. 48307.5: the date that Voyager lost contact with Starfleet. He pushed the door open and hesitantly walked through. 

Looking around he realized that he was aboard Voyager, in his temporary quarters from when he first boarded the ship. 

“Chakotay, I was starting to wonder where you’d gone. Ugh, don’t tell me that bitch already has you trained and castrated,” a familiar voice sent chills down his spine. 

He felt a pair of hands try to pull his undershirt out from his pants. He gently pushed the hands away. 

“I bet you’re dying to get out of that sad excuse for a uniform...and I’m more than willing to help.”

“Seska.” Simply saying her name left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

He turned to run back out the door but it wasn't there. He looked around, trapped.

She walked over to him and tried to kiss him, but he pushed her back. 

“What’s the matter?” she asked innocently. 

Nausea and nervousness had abandoned him and were replaced with the remnants of anger that still somehow resided in him.

She tried to approach him once more but he backed away. 

“You didn’t mind when I kissed you this morning. If I’m not mistaken I’d go as far as to say you were looking forward to more.”

“That was before I knew you to be a Cardassian traitor.” His eyes burned into hers. 

“What are you talking about?” she scoffed. 

“I don’t have time for these games, Seska.” He scanned the room for some means of escape but, looking to where the door to the quarters used to be, there was only a wall.

“What games, Chakotay?” She continued to stare at him, not letting any hint of nervousness or guilt show. 

“You were never working for me. You were sent on a mission to infiltrate the Maquis, to be a part of my crew. You were instructed to get close to me, to learn my secrets, my plans for battle. Tell me, have I missed anything?”

He had to admit to himself that the look of slight shock on her face had been somewhat enjoyable to witness, even if it only lasted a second. 

“Who told you that? Whoever it was, they must be lying to you....trying to divide us, break up the Maquis, turn us on one another! We can’t let them!”

“No one told me. No one had to tell me!” he shouted in frustration.

She paused and looked at him, and he saw a flash in her eyes as her decency was placed on the back burner. Front and center stood a cold, uncaring, merciless shell of a woman. 

“Well then how the hell did you figure it out?” her tone had rid itself of any niceties. Her arms crossed firmly and she paced, never taking her eyes off of his. 

“That’s not important,” he said. 

She snickered and shook her head. 

“I’ve been on your ship for almost four years, in your bed for almost two. After all this time you’re trying to tell me you’ve just pieced it together? No, Janeway must’ve known, maybe Tuvok...I never trusted that Vulcan. I’ll be needing to know how exactly you found out about who I work for. It would be best if you comply, no need for anyone to get hurt.”

He scoffed. 

“I told you. Tuvok didn’t know, Kathryn didn’t either.” his brain was frazzled, and the longer he stood arguing with Seska, the less time he had to find the woman he actually loved. 

“Kathryn? Since when are you on a first-name basis with that Starfleet whore?”

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb, Chakotay. You just referred to Captain Janeway as Kathryn. Something is going on that I’m not aware of...and I don’t like it.”

She pulled out her weapon and aimed it directly at him. 

“I was trained to recognize when a person’s usefulness no longer outweighs the liability they pose. I think I just lost what little use I had for you. It really is a pity, I was hoping we could have a bit more fun.” she smirked. 

He quickly glanced around, looking for something to use to fight back. Before she could react, he grabbed the decorative bowl off of the coffee table and smashed it over her head. 

She fell to the ground and the phaser landed on the other side of the room. He immediately lunged for it and stood, pointing it at her as she stood up, blood dripping from the gash on her forehead. 

She chuckled wryly. 

“I don’t think you have it in you to pull the trigger. You would have done it by now if you did. I know you Chakotay, I know how deeply you feel for me. And despite everything, I do care for you.”

“You’re right. I did care for you...very much, but I don’t think those feelings were ever returned. I think your heart was locked up and set aside long ago. I just was too blind to see that. After finding real love, love that changed me in ways that I can’t even explain, I see what I had with you for what it really was. I was using you to fill a void in my life that you could never fill. You knew that you took advantage of that. We both had causes to fight for, we both have done horrible things in the names of those causes, and I need to learn to put your betrayal behind me.”

“And killing me will solve this problem? Come on Chakotay, I know you. You’re not one to kill unless there are no other options. I’m giving you another option. Put the phaser down, and we can both pretend like this never happened. I’ll be good I promise,” she said. 

He looked into her eyes and remembered that for all of the awful times there had been some not-so-awful times. He looked down at the weapon in his hands and disabled it, placing it gently on the floor next to him. 

As he did so, the hospital door reappeared, drawing his attention for a few moments. This distraction gave Seska just enough time to roll over to the phaser and pick it up. He ran to the door as she reenabled the weapon.

He went through to the other side, but not before she fired a shot that hit him directly in the shoulder. Searing pain tore through him. He slammed the door closed before she could fire again and looked around the hallway. It had grown considerably smaller. He could almost see an end to it. 

He looked toward the next door. Stardate: 45536.5. He recognized the date as being important but couldn’t remember the exact reason. Without waiting another second he went in. He was met with the image of his home planet. The screams could be heard for miles. Cardassian ships hovered overhead, firing weapons, destroying crops and homes, murdering innocent lives. He could smell the scent of burnt flesh, it mixed and mingled with the scent of burning trees which were still blanketed in a sea of fire. His stomach turned as he shut his eyes and tried to keep the tears back, tried to block out all the horrifying noises that forced their way into his ears. 

Face your past, make peace with it, and find the girl before time is up, or else you both remain trapped here... forever. 

Mara’s words echoed in his brain. How the hell was he supposed to make peace with this? He was standing in the middle of his home as it was being torn apart, raped, and burned to ash. He remembered the feelings that rose to the surface when he had gotten word of what had happened here. For most of his life, images in his head were always worse than the reality of a given situation, but in this case, he knew his mind wasn’t dark enough to conjure up images of what really occurred. The only way to make peace with this event in his past was to do what he should have done then, be present, and fight for his people. 

He balled his hands into fists, feeling the pain from his burn, mixed with the pain in his shoulder. He channeled that pain using it to fuel his anger. On the ground near what once was a home, he found a bloodied hunting knife. He saw no up to date weaponry except for in the hands of his enemies. 

Hearing a bone-chilling scream, he ran towards it. There was a mother huddled against a tool shed, her body protecting her two small children. Cardassian soldiers approached them with sickening smirks of amusement, their weapons raised and aimed. 

Chakotay wasted no time in pouncing on one of the soldiers and plunging the knife into his throat. He quickly turned to use the dead man’s body as a shield from the blasts. 

Holding the body up, he approached the other soldier and tossed the corpse onto him, throwing him off for just enough time. Chakotay tackled the man. They rolled around, punches thrown. The Cardassian gained the upper hand and had him pinned to the ground, one punch after another until his ears were ringing and he could feel blood pooling in his mouth. Looking to his left with an eye that was already beginning to swell shut, he saw the knife, just barely out of his grasp. 

His enemy clenched Chakotay’s throat so hard he could feel the life draining from his body. He stretched his arm as far as it would go, his fingertips finally reaching the blade of the knife. He grabbed it and without hesitation, plunged it into the Cardassian’s chest. His heart rate quickened as he felt his enemy’s slow. His vision blurred for a moment, and that ringing in his ears came back as the corpse draped over him. He pushed himself free and forced his breathing to calm.

He looked up, the blood of the men he killed coated him, it blended with his own. It was on his hands, in his hair, dripping down his cheek. He felt it, warm, wet. The metallic scent was abrasive in his nostrils. The drop from his cheek fell to the corner of his mouth and he immediately felt his stomach turn at the taste. He spit out to the side and looked down. His hands had been dirtied by the merciless ways of war many times before. He had taken lives but never were they innocent, and there had always been a reason. 

He reminded himself that this wasn’t real. He needn’t justify the deaths of two fictitious villains, but for those few moments, it was difficult to discern reality from illusion. 

Suddenly he looked up and saw the mother and her two children. He’d saved them. It was then that he realized that he wished this was what had happened. That live or die he had wanted to be where he stood right then, fighting for his people, protecting them. But he chose not to be. Deep down he knew it wasn’t his fault. Although it didn’t lessen the guilt, he knew that after admitting that, acceptance would come and perhaps one day, absolution. 

Behind him, the door reappeared. He stood up and took one last look at the planet he knew as home. He felt a tear combine with the streaks of slowly drying blood. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and then he left. 

As he entered the hallway he noticed that it had shortened in length yet again. He could see there was an end to it. He walked down a bit to the next door. Stardate: 45601.97. He knew this day.

Stepping inside he was back in his childhood home. Everything was just as he remembered. Handmade blankets were flat on the floor with pillows he and his mother had made themselves. A few books rested on the shelves that he and his father had built together, the first carpentry project Chakotay had finished. In the kitchen, he heard someone stifling their tears. 

He walked into the next room and saw her standing there with her back facing him. Her long black hair flowed freely, strands of gray heavily spread throughout. He’d missed her.

“Mother,” he said wearily. 

Startled by the sound of his voice, she quickly wiped away her tears and turned to him with a loving smile. 

“My son,” she whispered. 

She walked over and took him in her arms, her warmth and comfort instantly took him back to a different time, one he had longed to return to. 

“When I sent you the message, I wasn’t sure you would come. I’m so glad you’re here.” She cupped his face with both hands and pulled him down so she could reach his forehead with her lips for a gentle peck. 

He looked at his clothes, his hands, he grazed his fingertips over his eyes. Any sign of injury or battle that he had were now gone. 

He released a shuttered breath and embraced his mother in another hug, holding on for dear life. 

“I’ve missed you,” he said sincerely. 

“Brother?” he heard from behind him.

“Sekaya!” he broke the embrace with his mother and took his sister in his arms. 

She stiffened in his arms, pushing him away gently. 

“You told me you weren’t coming, that Starfleet wouldn’t let you leave.” She spoke with a slightly harsher tone than he remembered. 

Before he could respond, his mother interrupted. 

“The ceremony is about to start, we should start walking.”

“Of course, mother,” Sekaya replied. 

Chakotay followed them outside. He remembered the events of this day, but not like this. 

In reality, he had told his sister that leaving the academy was impossible at the time, but that was a lie. He had been permitted to go home, everyone would have understood. But he couldn’t gain the courage. He’d made the arrangements, boarded the shuttle, even landed and walked to his childhood home, but before he could be seen, he turned around. 

That night he had wandered into an empty bar, and with a little liquid courage, he stopped by a local tattoo artist. He couldn’t go to the funeral, he didn’t have it in him to face his failure to his people, his family. So instead, he honored his father in that way, bearing his symbol, carrying a piece of him, a piece of their ancestors. That same night he had sent a letter of resignation to Starfleet. In the darkness he walked alone, the pale moon’s glow guiding his feet to the resting place of the man he had let down. Anger filled the very depths of his being until he collapsed on the freshly turned mound of dirt, beat his hands over it, and cried for the first time since receiving the news of his father’s death. 

This, here and now, this was different. He walked alongside his mother and sister, their tribe followed close behind. Once they reached the top of the hill, he saw the body, lifeless, so still, almost peaceful. His jaw tightened as they opened the buttons on his father’s shirt, to cleanse the skin and prepare him for burial. His eyes could not leave that wound on his father's chest. A phaser-like burn tore a hole through him, almost directly over his heart. There were tears, stifled sobs from his mother. They gathered goods, food, and things he may need on his journey into the next life. He was placed in a hand-carved wooden box and lowered carefully into the ground. As the service was coming to an end, he could no longer hold back his cries, soft and hushed. 

“You have no right to cry,” Sekaya said. 

Her eyes were like daggers, her words stabbed through him, but he chose not to engage with her. It would only lead to more pain.

“This is all your fault! You should have been here! You should have fought with him, been by his side. He might still be alive if you had been man enough to defend your people!” she went to lunge at him but Tananka held her daughter back. 

“That’s enough, Sekaya!” She shouted. 

“No, she’s right. It is my fault. I should have been there,” his voice cracked under the weight of his emotion. 

His mother calmed Sekaya down and walked over to him, placing a gentle hand on his arm. 

“Your sister is just upset, she didn’t mean those things that she said. Your father was so proud to call you his son. He loved you and he knew you loved him.”

His tears streamed down his cheeks as she pulled him into a hug. His sobs grew harsh and shook his body, his breathing was uneven. Those words, yelled at him, were ones he had tortured himself with. It had been his fault, he wasn’t there when he should have been when everyone needed him to be. There had been no man greater than his father. Kolopack had been a leader, a fighter, a father.

“Shhhhh. It’s okay,” she whispered, stroking his back. 

He focused on his mother’s arms, encircling him, holding him so close that he could feel her heart beating against him. The steady rhythm guided his breathing. He calmed down for a moment and pulled away. Her soft hands wiped away his tears, her loving smile shined at him like a beacon in the darkness. 

“I wish it had been me,” he whispered with regret. 

She pulled away and took his face in her hands. 

“Don’t ever say that. That’s not what anyone would have wanted, especially your father. He fought for you, for your sister, he fought for a future! That future rests with you! None of this was your fault. Do not waste your life on ‘what if’s’ and do not blame yourself for the things you cannot change. Your father is right here...always.”

She placed the palm of her hand over his heart. 

“Why don’t you go to the house and make us all some tea? Your sister and I will take the long way home, I need to talk to her for a little bit,” she suggested. 

He nodded. As he turned, his eyes caught Sekaya’s. He could see how her expression had softened, from one of anger to one of remorse. She kept staring at him, a silent apology in her gaze filled with unshed tears. 

He nodded at his sister and began to walk the path back home. 

He watched his feet kick up clouds of dust in the dry dirt of the beaten path. He knew now that he could see his father anytime he wanted, all he had to do was enter a vision quest. It still wasn’t the same. He couldn’t watch him carve wood like he used to. He wouldn’t hear the laughter of his parents in the kitchen, lovingly preparing for dinner. It wasn’t the same, it hadn’t been for a long time, and it never would be again.

But he played his mother’s words over and over again in his head. It wasn’t his fault, he needed to stop blaming himself for the things he could not change, things he never had the power to change in the first place. Seska had been a trained spy, her betrayal could not be blamed on him. He had trusted her and was wrong in doing so but he wouldn’t let that ruin his trust in others. His homeworld had been demolished, he wasn’t there to help defend it. He did what he thought was best at the time, he followed what he felt was his calling; Starfleet. Being there to fight would not have made much of a difference, he might have died, might not have been around when he was to save countless others when he did. Everything happens for a reason, words his father always instilled in him. 

His father’s death may or may not have been prevented if he had been there, but it was a waste of time to focus on the what-ifs. It was a waste of the life his father died protecting. 

As he came upon his home, he stopped. The front door he recognized had been replaced with that of a solid white door with a silver handle. Kathryn. She was still out there, still waiting for him. He ran towards the door and walked through. 

Entering the hallway once more, a voice, deep like thunder, echoed in the silence. 

“Ten minutes,” it said.

The floor beneath his feet began to crack, tile by tile it was dropping away, crumbling into the dark abyss. He ran from the damaged part of the hall and kept running. Each of the doors disappeared one by one until only a single door was left. No stardate, no markings. 

“Kathryn?” he called as he hesitantly cracked the door open. 

“Chakotay?” he heard a voice reply.

He opened the door fully as his eyes tried to process the image before him. Instantly, he felt his heart drop out of his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did my best with the Stardates, but I'm not used to converting dates into Stardates and also a lot of the dates I found in my research conflict or differ so I tried to stay as accurate as possible!


	6. Dreaming of You

“There you are!” Kathryn exclaimed, walking towards him with an excited smile. 

He stood there shell shocked as her arms wrapped around his torso for a hug, but something large and round kept them from embracing fully. He pushed her away with delicate hands and examined her. She was clean, healthy, happy…and she looked to be almost nine months pregnant. 

“Why don’t you go outside and find Lizzy and Molly while I finish setting up for dinner,” she suggested. 

“Kathryn, what the hell is going on?” he asked. 

She tilted her head, staring at him quizzically. She walked closer to him and rested her hand on his forehead and then his cheek. 

“Are you feeling alright?” It was when she went to remove her left hand from his face that he noticed a ring. 

He shook his head, trying to remember why he walked through that door in the first place. He needed to do something or find something? Where had he been? Where was he going? He couldn’t recall a thing. 

He looked down at his left hand and saw his own gold band around his ring finger. Within a few seconds, it all came rushing back. Years of memories, images, feelings, they all flooded his mind. 

His passionate relationship with Kathryn on Voyager had grown into something more serious. He eventually gained the nerve to propose and thanked the spirits when she accepted. They were married a few weeks later in the mess hall with the senior staff as witnesses. A month later, they achieved the impossible and made it back to earth. Three months after their return, something even more incredible happened. 

“Daddy!” he heard a small voice call out. 

He felt a small creature wrap around his leg. Looking down, he saw a mop of dark brown hair, and then two deep blue eyes stared up at him with such love and adoration that his heart wanted to explode. 

“Lizzy?” he asked, unsure. 

“Up!” She called, stretching her arms towards him. 

He lifted the girl into his arms and held her close. 

He remembered being there when she took her first breath. He’d held her in his arms, that delicate little bundle, so afraid he would drop her or that she’d simply break into pieces, but she didn’t. Instead, she opened her curious eyes and studied him silently. She didn't want him to put her down, not to sleep or even eat. From that very first moment, she had him wrapped around her tiny finger, and he never wanted it any other way. Now she was three years old, and every day seemed to be a new adventure, something new to learn, somewhere exciting to explore, and a new mess to make. 

He heard a bark coming from outside and turned towards the back door to see an auburn-haired dog wagging its tail, begging for entrance. 

He shifted his daughter to one arm and used his free hand to let the dog in. 

“Molly!” Lizzy shouted with a giggle. 

“Come on, you two! Dinner’s ready!” Kathryn called out. 

Lizzy slid down and ran towards the kitchen, Chakotay followed in a daze. He couldn’t believe how his life had turned out. This was everything he had ever wanted. The woman of his dreams, a beautiful daughter and another child on the way. Their home was large, and reminiscent of the house he would have liked to build for them on New earth if he’d had the time. 

He took a seat at the head of the table and watched Kathryn cut up Lizzy’s food. 

“Mommy, can I feel the baby kick?” she asked. 

“Well, right now, you’re little brother doesn’t have too much room to move around, but you can try to feel him kick after dinner.”

He stared at this perfect scene but somehow felt disconnected as if he were watching a movie rather than his reality. 

“Chakotay,” a distant voice whispered hoarsely, causing him to jump from his chair. 

His wife and daughter looked at him with concern. 

“Chakotay, do you want to go lay down for a bit? I can save your food and keep it warm if you want it later.”

“No, no, I’m ok. I don’t know what that--” he sat back down and picked up his fork to start eating, but as the hairs on the back of his neck stood straight up, he let the utensil slip from his grasp and clank onto his plate. 

Then he heard that rasped breathing once more, it grew closer and closer until he could almost feel it on his face. 

“Help me!” the voice screamed brokenly, the sound was deafening. 

He fell to the ground and covered his ears.

Kathryn ran over to him and carefully bent down on her knees to check on him. 

“Chakotay! Are you ok? What is it? What’s wrong?” she asked, terrified. 

After calming silence finally met his ears, he shot back up, stumbling backward until he bumped into the kitchen table. 

A few dishes crashed and shattered on the floor, and Lizzy began to wail. 

Kathryn stood up and touched his arm, but he recoiled as if contact from her caused him pain. 

“You’re scaring Lizzy...and you’re scaring me. Why don’t you go up to bed and I’ll comm the Doctor.”

He stared blankly and nodded, allowing her to help him up to their bedroom. They walked slowly, her hand rubbing gently up and down his back. She helped him settle and kissed his cheek, a worried but loving look in her eyes. 

“Get some rest, the Doctor will be here soon,” she said. 

She stood at the door, hesitating to leave, but Lizzy’s crying brought her back down. 

He sat frozen on the edge of the bed and glanced around the room. 

In the corner sat a desk with a few padds. He walked over and picked one up. On it there was a message from Starfleet headquarters regarding his new promotion to the rank of captain. 

He picked up another one detailing his latest assignment into deep space to perform archeological digs around ancient colonies. In the message it mentioned that he wouldnt have to go until after his paternity leave. The admiral who had written the message made sure to congratulate him on his son’s upcoming arrival. He smiled and placed it back on the desk. 

The third padd had personal messages. One from his sister detailing his nephews first steps, and a new word he learned that almost sounds like ‘Chakotay’. As he flipped through the next few, they were all from former maquis members. Marriages, births, promotions. All of his friends had something wonderful going on in their lives. This was everything he wanted for them. 

He continued to look around. Pictures on the walls depicting his perfect life, a life he never thought could be his. But that voice he heard at the dinner table, something told him that it was important. It had sounded so familiar, almost like Kathryn, but she had been standing silently in front of him when he heard it. None of this made any sense. 

He had this gut feeling that he needed to finish something, he needed to save someone and soon. He tried hard to concentrate, to remember what it was that he needed to do. 

He searched in the depths of his mind and only came back with one word: Mara. 

Then it struck him, as instantly and violently as lightning, that this was not real. Mara was trying to trap him in a fantasy. 

He ignored the feeling of disappointment that he would have to leave this perfect dream.

“I spoke with the Doctor and he said he’ll be by in about an hour.” Kathryn said, walking back into the room. 

He turned around, now sure that the woman before him was simply a mirage. 

“Where’s Kathryn?” he demanded. 

She looked at him with a hurt expression and tried to get closer to him, but he stepped back. 

“I...I’m right here. What are you talking about?”

“Enough! I don’t know what’s going on here, but you--you are not Kathryn. A door...I have to find the door and get out of here,”

He ran past her and down the steps. He opened the front door but was met only with a green yard and a small garden. He slammed it closed and ran back up the stairs. He opened every bedroom and bathroom door he could find, but found nothing. 

“Where is it?” he muttered to himself. 

Finally, he entered the almost finished nursery. Blue walls with fluffy white clouds painted along the border. In the center of the room sat a hand-carved cradle, the symbol of his people, etched into the side. 

His heart ached. He couldn’t put into words how much he wanted this to be his reality, but for this to become so, he needed to leave.

His eyes fell upon the closet door. Directly over it was a sign with his son’s due date several years in the future. 

“You don’t have to leave, you know.” a voice came from behind him. 

She walked up next to him and took his hand, placing it on her stomach. 

“I know it’s not real, but it could be. You could stay, be with me, be with Lizzy, and our baby boy. This life… it could all be yours, all you have to do is stay with us for two more minutes. Come downstairs and have dinner with us.” 

Before he could reply, he heard the pitter-patter of little feet echoing through the halls.

“Daddy! Please don’t leave!” She hugged his leg and held on tight.

He gently pulled away and bent down to her level.

“I wish I could stay, but I have to go.” 

He laid a gentle kiss upon the girl's head. He gave the two of them a sad look and a silent goodbye as he opened the closet door and walked inside. Once he was over the threshold, the door disappeared. 

It was dark, cold, and the air had a dampness to it. He heard a soft cry, and then another. 

“Chakotay!” she called out. 

He turned in circles, trying to find out which direction the sound was emanating, but it was pointless. He was surrounded by infinite nothingness. 

“Kathryn! Where are you?” a shouted. The sound of his own voice echoed on into the void. 

“I can’t hold on much longer,” her voice grew weaker and more distant. 

“Kathryn, hold on for me. I’m right here,” he pleaded. 

He kept going round and round, walking aimlessly, but there was nothing, and though he couldn’t hear her voice anymore, there was a distinct sound of labored breathing. 

“Mara! That’s enough! I did what you asked, I’ve played your games, faced my past...I’ve made peace with it. Let us go!”

Startled by the sudden sensation of her presence, he tried to jump or move away, but he was frozen to the spot. Her hands, cold like ice, wrapped around to cover his eyes. He felt her warm breath on his ear, and his stomach churned.

“You’re right. You passed every test, and you found where your Kathryn was hiding. I’ll set you free….all you have to do is take her by the hand.” 

He felt her hands slither from his eyes down to his neck, and then they were gone. 

He slowly opened his eyes, squinting as they were met with a harsh light. 

As they adjusted to his surroundings, he saw Kathryn, unlocked chains sat on the ground by her feet, but she was still stuck to the ground. She reached out her hand, and he went to take it. 

“Chakotay, don’t! It’s a trick!”

He turned his head to the left, and there stood a second Kathryn. 

The one in front of him commanded his attention. 

“Don’t look at her, look at me. I’m the real Kathryn! She’s the imposter!” She stretched her arm out further, begging him to take her hand. 

“No! She’s lying!” The Kathryn to his left yelled. 

After a moment of silence to gather his thoughts, he tried to find a way to determine which of them was telling the truth.

“Tell me something only Kathryn would know,” he said. 

The one directly in front of him spoke up first. 

“New Earth, the night of our first kiss. We decided to sleep under the stars. You held me close, and when you thought I was asleep, you whispered that you loved me. I’ve been trying to work up the courage ever since that night….to tell you that I feel the same way.” he turned toward the other Janeway to his left, waiting for her to say something to try and convince him. 

She looked flustered, her face was blushing slightly, and her eyes were wide with confusion. 

Finally, she looked at him.

“She’s been inside our minds. She knows too much. Nothing I say will convince you of my true identity, but there’s still time...wake up. Leave me behind and wake up. If you take her hand, or if time runs out, we’re both trapped here forever. At least this way, you can be free,” she said sadly. 

He shook his head. 

“I’m not leaving without her,” he said, reaching out towards the Kathryn directly in front of him. 

The Kathryn to the left of him screamed at him to stop, but it was too late. 

As his hand met hers, he felt the familiar coldness of her skin. All at once, the woman before him transformed into that green-eyed demon. 

“Wrong choice,” she said with a devious chuckle. 

He looked in her eyes and, with a smirk, leaned in and whispered: “I know.”

He gripped the sides of her face tightly and chanted out the words, without giving her time to react.

_“daemonis somnia. Interfectorem gaudium. Nunc somnum. Somnum sempiternum magis!”_

Those same words he had heard chanted during her false defeat from before turned out to be true. During his hour of planning, a quick comm with the Shaqrien confirmed as much. In her foolish hubris, she practically handed him the tools to her own demise. 

As the words were spoken, Mara screamed in agony. He watched the steam rise from her skin as it melted off. He backed away and quickly took the real Kathryn by the hand. She leaned on him for support, her legs still weak and wobbly. 

She looked at him in amazement. 

“How did you know it was really me?” she asked. 

He smiled and touched a hand tentatively to her cheek. 

“Only you would be foolish enough to think I could leave you behind.” 

She gripped the collar of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. As the two of them deepened the kiss, a golden light enveloped them. He felt the softness of her lips fade away, the warmth of her body against his left and was replaced with cool empty calm.

“Chakotay,” he heard. 

His eyes peeled open, and immediately they began to water with tears of joy. Never before had he been so happy to see the walls of sickbay, but nothing could match the feeling of overwhelming joy that came from staring into those deep blue eyes. He pulled her close and breathed in her scent, relished in feeling her in his arms. 

“We’re free,” he said.

  
  



	7. Epilogue

It had been a week since they had escaped the evil clutches of the demon Mara, but the trauma she had inflicted still lingered over much of the crew, especially Kathryn. She hadn’t been herself since they’d been back. She seemed distant, depressed, and she withdrew even from Chakotay. She refused to talk about her sleeping patterns, but he knew she wasn’t getting enough rest. Twice in the past few days, he had woken to her screams, so loud, and agonizing that he could hear them through the bulkheads. Both times that he went to check on her, she refused to see him. 

He couldn’t sit around any longer. Yet again, he'd heard her screams, and yet again, she was ignoring him. As he went to exit his quarters, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. It was Kathryn. He wasn’t sure where she would be going at this hour, but he decided to follow her. He waited a few minutes and then asked the computer to give him her location. Holodeck one. _What could she be doing in the holodeck?_ He thought.

As he walked into the program, he saw her sitting by the window, a look of sadness, and a deep longing had taken over her features. He stood in the center of a small house, there were no pictures on the walls, no carpeting, and no furniture except the comfortable chair she sat in. She was staring outside, and he could see from the spot where he stood that it was snowing. 

He slowly and quietly walked behind her chair, curious to see what she was looking at. It took him a moment to register who the figure in the distance was, but the moment that a little boy ran to his side, he knew. Father and son were making snowballs and throwing them at one another, not much was heard other than their distant laughter. Every few minutes, the two would face the window and wave. 

“You followed me,” she stated. 

He was startled, unaware that she'd known he was there. He moved from behind her to stand next to the chair. Her eyes never parted from the window. 

“I’ve been worried about you,” he admitted. 

“I’m fine,” she said harshly. 

There was a silence. She did not wish to speak, and he did but was unsure what to say.

“How often do you come here to watch them?” he asked hesitantly. 

“I used to come once a year... On the anniversary of their death.”

There was a small pause. She took a deep breath and spoke in a slightly softer tone, one that almost sounded guilty. 

“Since our ordeal, I’ve come every night.” 

She finally peeled her eyes from the window to look up at him. 

“The day after the accident, I asked the nurse to tell me what the baby would have been. She told me he was a boy. A son...I almost had a son. He would have been a young man by now.” 

He could see the dried tears that left trails down her cheeks, soon to be mingled with the fresh tears about to fall. He had an urge to wipe them away and take her in his arms, but before he could move, she turned back to look at her almost family. 

“I keep him a little boy here because I can’t resist. I think I would have liked this stage as a mother. It’s after all the diaper changing, but before they can really start to argue with you...it’s the age when they look at their parents and see their heroes, two incredible individuals who can do no wrong. Justin would have made a great father. I like to think I would have made a good mother. I come here to watch, never interact. I just want to watch them be happy together. Together is how I like to imagine them, wherever they are.”

He knelt down next to her and took her hand. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about what happened?” he asked.

She shook her head and glanced at him. Her hand pulled away from his before she spoke. 

“Once someone knows what happened, they never look at me the same. There’s always a hint of pity in their eyes. My mother, Phoebe, hell I even catch Tom looking at me like that sometimes. I didn’t want you to see me that way, as someone so broken...as someone to feel sorry for.”

“I don’t--” he started, but she cut him off. 

“Yes, you do. Ever since we got back...you don’t look at me like you used to, and it’s killing me.”

He tried to analyze the past few days to think about whether she was right. Perhaps she was. He hadn’t looked at her the same, he couldn’t, but it wasn’t because of pity. He took her hand again and held it tight, not letting her pull away. She refused to open her eyes. 

“You want to know what I see when I look at you? I see someone strong. Strong enough to keep going, after everything important in her life was ripped away in an instant. I see a leader, a fighter, a brilliant, kind, funny, and beautiful woman. I also see someone who’s scared. Scared to love again because every time she finds someone, they’re taken away. I can’t promise that nothing bad will ever happen again, but I know that very little could keep me from fighting my way back to you. This experience proves it.” 

He gently cupped her cheek and made her face him. She opened her eyes slowly.

“I am sorry that this happened, and I’m sorry that you had to deal with so much grief, but I do not look at you with pity. I love you, Kathryn. I love you more right now than I ever have before because you’re finally letting me in, finally showing me all of this pain you’ve kept bundled up. Don’t pull away from me now.” 

With a small sob, she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. He comforted her as she cried, but his heart nearly stopped when he heard her faintly say: “I love you too.” 

He kissed the top of her head. 

A short while later, she stopped crying and smiled at him for the first time since they left sickbay a week ago. 

“We should probably leave,” she said, taking one last glimpse out the window. 

He ordered the computer to give him a chair next to hers, and he took a seat. 

“No, let’s stay. I want to hear more. What was his name going to be?” 

She smiled a soft and slightly sad smile and told him stories of another life. 

* * *

**FOUR YEARS LATER**

* * *

“Mm...do we have to get up?” Kathryn asked groggily.

He chuckled, basking in the warm glow of the sunlight as it flooded their bedroom. 

“I’m perfectly content to keep you in bed all day if that’s what you desire,” he said, kissing her neck, working his way down to her shoulder. 

“Well, maybe that would have been an option a few months ago, but unfortunately, your daughter has decided that kicking my bladder is her favorite new activity.”

He laughed, wrapping his arm over her waist and placing his hand on her stomach. 

“Why don’t you just take a while to relax, take a bath. I’ll get breakfast ready for my two favorite girls,” he said, kissing her cheek. 

“How did I get such a thoughtful husband?” she moved her hand over his and laced her fingers through. 

“I’m not sure. How did I get such a wonderful wife?”

She chuckled and turned over to kiss him properly. After they separated, he helped her up out of bed and knelt down to kiss her rounded stomach. 

“Be good for your mother, little one,” he whispered. 

Kathryn wove her fingers through his hair, closing her eyes and telling herself to savor this moment. 

“We should probably try and come up with some name ideas... I’m due any day,” she said. 

He stood up, and with a knowing smile, he made his suggestion. 

“What about Elizabeth? Lizzy, for short.”

She smiled back at him. 

“I like it.”

“I know you wanted to pick a family name, but maybe we can do that with the next one,” he said, moving to toss a shirt on. 

Kathryn scoffed and placed his hands on her hips. 

“Next one? When did I agree to a next one?” 

He ignored her questions with a smirk and walked towards the door. 

“I’ll go work on breakfast.” he chuckled. 

“Chakotay! This conversation is not over,” she said, laughing in disbelief. 

He made his way downstairs with a silly grin on his face, trying and failing to figure out how he’d gotten so lucky.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the story! I actually connected the ending of this story to a little one shot I wrote a while back! So if you'd like to know what happens a few years after this check out my story Tattoo. 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/19841569


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